zenderael_ol | [ Dragonmail: Reilanin ]

[every week? what does that mean? the whole matter is so distressing and confusing for her already, she doesn't even want to ask]

Do you... do you want the things I've collected already? I could do that, if you like...

[she doesn't understand, but the way his words come out, it's worrying. is it that bad? she can't imagine it. she can't imagine being involved- or not involved-

she's not supposed to be trapped like this anymore]

What are you saying?... I won't forget you, Alexander. I won't be... I won't be away forever.

Yes. Yes, I do.

[ no, of course she won't. but it's possible. it's possible to forget. he'd forgotten, and it hadn't been forever.

he's too forlorn too realize how irrational his thought process is right now. ]

~~I can't~~ What if you had another personality, and she was having sex with someone you didn't view sexually -- what would you do? Len knows now. He's disgusted. I think he hates me.

[two letters. the first is a collection of things in a bundle that the dragon had to be bribed to carry over, and when it drops it off it remains there, staring at alex a moment, before it burps, looking quite pleased with itself

one for every day, that's six things. the first was short notice; it's one of theresa's teacups. it's blue and big and round. a bright green maple leaf is the second thing. third, a miniaturized red balloon caught in a jar, string and all. fourth, a folded drawing of fish and an octopus by what was probably a child done in crayon. fifth, a small twig with small white flowers on it with a very faint smell. sixth, today's, is a little, palm-sized stuffed dog, maybe a shiba or a lab or something, it's hard to tell at that size.

while that's being sent over, she addresses the next part, and actually has to stop and think about it pretty hard because she doesn't quite understand what is going on here]

Why is that? It is not Akhilendra that you have slept with.

[ he sets out each item on the coffee table before him. he doesn't have the context of days, doesn't know which came first. he twirls the maple leaf between his fingers, then sets it inside the tea cup. he picks up the twig, but sets that too down into the cup, more interested in the drawing. crude, like a child's. had it belonged to a child...?

he sets that down in favor of reading reilanin's response. ]

It's his body.

Ah, yes, but it is Ravindra's as well.

Mm... although, I suppose it would matter who the other person was...

What does Ravindra think of this?

I haven't told him.

[ after the dragon leaves, he picks up the stuffed dog and leans back into the couch, resting the toy on his lap. he tugs its ears outwards. ]

[a very simple answer... but it doesn't help anything. she doesn't particularly care what akhilendra thinks of it. it's ravindra's body, not his.

but if akhilendra is upset.. that could put distance between alexander and ravindra. that's no good, either.]

...what do you plan on doing?

You're not upset with Ravindra, are you?

If he wasn't attracted to me, this wouldn't be a problem. Heimdall made him attracted to me. He did it knowing I would only return that attraction if it was a matter of keeping Vin close. They manipulated me into this position.

I don't know what to do. I don't want him to be gone, too. I don't want Len to hate me.

[this is... so confusing for her. it's difficult to know when she can't see him how she should respond to this. and now he's involving players- that's a whole other area she isn't sure how to venture into, because how they've all been affected has been so different for all of them

but he's looking for some kind of answer, and the two people he would normally go to aren't exactly available for comment.]

Of course... it's very confusing... to be able to differentiate between what you have decided, and what has been decided for you. If there is anything to differentiate to begin with.

I do not doubt, after all this time, that Ravindra's attraction to you is genuine, regardless of how he was written. And unfortunately, Ravindra was never written to know of Akhilendra, or to know him at all, really... so his decisions and his feelings are free of Akhilendra's influence.

I think it is important for Ravindra to know of the situation.

[ of course vin's feelings are free of len's, he wants to shout, they're two different people! ravi wasn't supposed to be... ravi. he was supposed to be akhi.

none of this was supposed to happen! ]

Why? So I can add one more thing onto his pile of shit to worry about? I'll just make Len reappear.

[ he never would have thought he'd ever regard that as undesirable. ah, life, so full of surprises, especially for those who had a very strict perception of how things are supposed to go. ]

[ actually that wasn't fair at all to rei, this isn't her problem, he's the one who brought it up, and hadn't he already made her feel bad enough telling her to stay on earth?

he sends off another letter ]

I'm sorry, Rei. I'm being a right ass right now. I'm sorry.

[ah, she hadn't been about to respond to the other one right away, anyway. of course, she doesn't know how to answer this. she doesn't understand the problem. she wants to encourage his friendship with ravindra, but she's stuck knowing how important akhilendra is to him, and so it leaves her staring at the letter dumbly.

the second letter comes, and she doesn't take it right away. the dragon actually has to squawk at her to get her to take it, and she does, hesitantly. she feels terrible and simply holds on to the piece of paper, leaving it unopened. what does it say? he's so far away and she doesn't know what to do because the only answer she can think of would either push ravindra away, or push alexander away. and she's already all alone here. the asha is dead. gabriel is gone. there's theresa, but she doesn't want to go back to theresa. she wants to go home.

she opens the letter finally, swallowing. an apology. it doesn't help. she rereads it hoping it will, but it doesn't.

it takes some time before she answers.]

I don't know what to say. I'm sorry.

You have no reason to apologize. It's not your fault.

[if that was supposed to make her feel better, it didn't. but it's too much at once. being asked- told?- to stay here had been difficult, true, but the reasoning had made enough sense to her that the decision had been clear, if not easy to make.

but if it's more overt that there is a rift between alexander and ravindra, and with her absent, unable to help prevent it-

alex u r setting her up for heartbreak!]

It isn't yours, either. Or either of theirs.

You risk pushing at least one of them away.

What do you want?

[ 'i want to go back to the time when life was simpler because i didn't have these attachments to either of you.'

true.

and false. ]

I want to be just friends with Vin.

If you can return in a manner that doesn't expose your ability to, then I want you to come back, too.

Then he needs to know that. [would ravindra accept that? she has to believe that physical attraction isn't the only thing at work here. it's unsettling to suddenly realize that ravindra's response could be negative. but they had been friends before, hadn't they?

...because of jordan and heimdall's writing...]

I... I'll think of something. [how could she do that? her warp is very personalized... perhaps she can work on that... but she wouldn't be able to stay...]

[ no, he wouldn't allow her to stay.

or maybe he would. he'd already gone back on his request for her not to return. ]

No. Sex is all that's keeping him here. He cares so, so much about his guild, about what they think of him. He knows the league I'm in. The sex is all I have left to bribe him to stay.

I could... talk to him...?

[ his immediate reaction is a solid 'fuck no'

well what the fuck would it hurt ]

If you want to.

[...not sure she wants to, but... she knows what she doesn't want...]

...what if Ravindra does leave? I don't want him to.

He won't leave you.

[ not 100% on that tbh but he can't bring himself to say otherwise ]

I'm not worried about me.

I'm the last person I"m worried about right now.

[ Dragonmail: Reilanin ]

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