[Dragonmail: Ravindra]

[transfer_student]

Ravindra!

What are you avoiding Reilanin for? Shouldn't you thank her for freeing Iravati? You are both being very weird.

(I almost forgot to ask you so maybe it's all sorted out now; if so never mind)

-Nova

Comments

[paladont]

Oh, I forgot.

I didn't leave.

[transfer_student]

Well, that would explain why I'm not supposed to tell that you don't regret it.

[paladont]

Yes, exactly.

Maybe I regret it a little. But not as much as I think I'm supposed to

[transfer_student]

You can regret it whatever amount you like, Ravindra.

No regret at all is always the most comfortable, of course.

[paladont]

[........NOVA THAT'S SO WISE]

[...the first part not the second part]

But I always feel guilty if I don't regret the right amount.

[transfer_student]

Who are you responsible to with this regret accounting?

Why don't you get to decide how much to feel? It's your emotions.

[paladont]

The people you wronged, yes? Or the people around them. Alex thought I didn't regret it enough for asking Reilanin so he hit me, that's what happens, people get angry with you if you don't feel how you should

[transfer_student]

...He hit you for not regretting it enough.

[fjf;dj;s like GO! Except different because Ravindra and Alex were TOGETHER ffft]

You maybe won't believe me, but I think it's better to let people be angry.

[paladont]

Yes. Because I didn't regret it enough to tell her she didn't need to do it.

Why? I don't think it's better.

[transfer_student]

But it is better. Aren't you unhappy trying to guess what other people want you to feel?

[paladont]

I'm unhappy when they're angry with me, too

[transfer_student]

It's a better kind of unhappiness, though.

Ah, let's see, it's like... Good emotions and bad emotions both get to you through the same barriers, so if you aren't defending against bad things, you get to feel happier about good things.

[paladont]

I don't understand.

Don't you also feel worse about bad things if you don't defend? I'd rather have less bad than more good.

[transfer_student]

Admittedly I've had kind of a strange life, but I've cultivated sort of a taste for bad emotions and I don't think that's such a bad thing to do. The more feelings you can appreciate the easier it is to be open to surprises.

That... might be a little unconventional for you to work with, though, hmm...

[paladont]

What do you do when people get angry with you?

[transfer_student]

If they're right, or I like them, I try to make it up to them when I can.

If they're wrong, or I don't like them, then I get mad too.

[paladont]

How do you tell the difference?

[transfer_student]

It just depends on how I feel about it.

If I think I'm right and then decide I'm wrong later, then that's just another mistake I can just try to make up for in the end...

Your mistakes really bother you a lot, though, don't they? Do you know why?

[paladont]

Because it's bad to make mistakes.

[transfer_student]

But you've got to make some. [Unless you're perfect but sorry Ravi that was Heimdall's other experiment]

You can't forgive yourself for them when you do?

[paladont]

It's hard to.

When you make mistakes people think less of you

[transfer_student]

Yes, they do. And it's really irritating!

But that doesn't mean you have to join them in thinking less of you.

[paladont]

I don't know how to think more of me

[If he wasn't drunk that would sound so stupid to him]

[transfer_student]

You need to become your own ally, Ravindra! And side with yourself no matter what.

Even if you aren't really impressing yourself. If the measure you've been using for how to impress yourself involves guessing what everyone else maybe wants you to be (which will all be different things they never fully explain to you), you'll never manage to be very good at it anyhow.

[paladont]

I don't think I'll manage to be very good at anything.

I told Alex I would try to fix myself and I've been trying to be more honest with people about what I want but it's so difficult, and there's so much to fix that's just as difficult, it feels impossible